it feels weird. I’m never home on Friday night. I have an overwhelming urge to paint my face, do my hair, dress up in glamourous rhinestone gowns, and then take them off for random strangers. If I was your ordinary housewife that sentence would sound strange.

One thing about taking a long block of time off is that I look forward to going back to work. After a few days I start to miss my friends. I miss the music. I miss the cool regulars who are happy to see me after a long day. And, in the most warped sense…I don’t really miss the creeps I run across at work…but the creeps, jackasses, and weirdos are the ones that make this job interesting and give me funny stories to tell.

Like Sneezy Pepper Guy. This happened about 4 years ago at Christie’s. This was before I took my DancerWealth sales training class. I must admit, I made one glaring mistake with this particular sale….see if you can pick it out.

It was fairly early on a weeknight. The club was steady, but not busy. I stepped into the glass elevator to make my way down to the floor. From the second floor, I made eye contact with a guy across the room. As the elevator descended, I saw him get out of his chair and walk towards the elevator to meet me at the bottom. Sweet! I just got here and they’re literally lining up at the door icon wink I’m HOME….on a Friday….

The elevator doors opened. Voila! There’s tall, dark, and kinda cute but dorky, “Are you available?”

“Of course,” I respond.

He leads me to a table in the back by one of the smaller stages we call Celebrity Two Stage. “I don’t want you to dance for me.” He says right away. He sits down in one of the chairs and leans forward, elbows on his thigh, hands cupping his face. He’s young, in his mid to late twenties, tall and lanky, but his body language told me he was non-threatening.

I’ve gotten really good at reading body language. I never approach the guy who’s sitting like that. That posture says, I don’t want you to sit on my lap. “OK, would you like to go upstairs to talk where it’s a bit more quiet and less busy?” I suggest, pulling a chair up next to him.

“No. I have an odd request. You can say no….” he reaches under the chair and pulls out a black pepper shaker, “I want you to sneeze on me. I’ll pay you for a lapdance.” He says shaking black pepper into his hand, “Here…sniff some of this…it will help you sneeze.”

What? You’ve got to be kidding me! He totally had the whole thing set up! Pepper and all! “Oh I don’t need pepper….I can sneeze on command.” I replied. Like I’m going to sniff whatever you put in that pepper shaker, buddy! So I gathered up all the saliva in my mouth, “Ahhh…..Ahhhh…Ahhhh” (I never had to fake a sneeze before) “Choo!” I sprayed as much spittle as I could on his face.

“Wow! That was great!” he says orgasmically. Sneezy Pepper Guy then takes out his wallet and hands me a twenty.

“Thank you!” I say and turn to walk away.

“Wait! Come back!” he says. “Aren’t dances $10?”

Yes. I made the fatal error of NOT negotiating a price BEFORE I provided the service. It was a valuable learning experience I shall never forget. In all fairness I gave him his change. It was my mistake.

Nowadays, when I sell a lapdance I immediately begin price negotiation. My basic policy is

$10 for your basic assembly-line lapdance. Top off, twirl around, whee wasn’t that fun?

$20 for me to customize my lapdance to meet a particular fetish (barefoot, armpit sniff, and yes…sneezing)

As soon as the client says yes to a dance, I immediately ask if he’d like his dance on the main floor, or upstairs where it’s more private. This is a very important step because it establishes my boundries and opens up negotiation for VIP.

In the Best Case Scenario, he immediately goes to the Cristal Room for the rest of the night. Based my observations over the last eight years, I have found that the best VIP guys don’t waste much time on the main floor. They aren’t shopping to see what stripper will give them the best deal. They aren’t looking for extras. They don’t need much arm twisting to get up there and they will stay all night. And of course….they are few and far between, like Kelly and Bill from Texas. I can’t wait til they come back!

In the Worst Case Scenario, he is too cheap to pay extra and expects to be an octopus for $10. However, by having gone through the price negotiation first, I can say “Oh no, no no….I gave you the option for the $20 dance….but you chose the $10 dance! So you get to grope the chair!” He has no come-back, and no leverage other than “Well Sassy let me grab her boob!” Great! Go dance with Sassy then! Besides, this isn’t the ideal client anyway, so take the $10 and move on.

Time for me to finish taping. I’m painting the floorboards and the chair rail in my living room and hallway tonite. Tape, primer, paint.